In an unprecedented display of openness and humility, former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates announced at a press conference on Friday that, “Microsoft’s history of corporate greed, arrogance and bullying is one I’m not sure the world can ever forgive.”
“From now on,” Gates said, “I will personally guarantee that every user of Microsoft products is completely satisfied. I’m putting my money where my mouth is.”
Gates, who retired in 2008 from the daily chores of running Microsoft, vowed to devote himself and the financial resources of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation full-time to, “correcting the bad behavior of the past and compensating unsatisfied computer users who have lost time, sleep, health and money struggling with our products.”
Gates said that, in his current position as Microsoft Chairman, he is directing all his energies towards transforming Microsoft’s Customer Support Division into one that will allow unsatisfied customers to recoup losses incurred as a result of software flaws and failures.
For years, Microsoft’s various Windows operating systems (98, XP, Vista, 7), Internet Explorer website browser and Office productivity programs have been sources of frustration to millions of computer users. Riddled with programming flaws, security holes and stability problems, Microsoft’s software has caused a loss of time and productivity to almost every person that has used their products. Worldwide monetary losses associated with Microsoft software problems since the release of its Windows 95 operating system are estimated to be between $70-100 trillion.
Through its new Windows Genuine Satisfaction program, unsatisfied users of Microsoft products may submit monetary claims for damages directly to the office of Bill Gates. “I’m working closely with current Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, who will act as our official Secretary of Compensation,” Gates said. “Steve’s job will be to ensure that every person who has suffered loss as a result of our software is amply and generously compensated.”
The claims process is designed to be relatively painless, in contrast to the hoops one must jump through just to install, activate and “validate” current Microsoft products. Applicants may download an official compensation form at www.microsoft.com/compensation.
Applicants need to describe what Microsoft product was being used at the time of the alleged loss, a brief but detailed description of how the software product failed, and an estimate of how much time and productivity was lost as a result of the product failure. Applicants will also provide a dollar-per-hour amount they think would be fair compensation. The application must then be notarized and sent certified mail. All but the most ridiculous claims, such as using your computer in the shower, will be honored, Gates said.
Reaction to Gate’s announcement was swift, and mostly positive. “Halleluiah!” exclaimed one Seattle housewife. “I lost all of my digital family photos last week when Windows crashed, and the stress almost sent me to the hospital. Maybe I can get something back for my loss.”
Dave Moore, computer columnist for Norman, Oklahoma’s daily newspaper The Transcript was skeptical. “I don’t believe it; not a single word. Of course, it’s not every week that my column is published on April 1. Happy April Fools Day.”