In an unprecedented display of openness and humility, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced at a press conference on Friday that, “Microsoft’s days of corporate greed, arrogance and bullying are over. From now on, I will personally guarantee that every user of our products is completely satisfied. I’m putting my money where my mouth is.”
Set to retire in July 2008 from the daily chores of running Microsoft, Gates vowed to devote himself full-time to, “correcting the bad behavior of the past and compensating unsatisfied computer users who have lost time, sleep, health and money struggling with our products.” Gates said that he is directing his top management executives to transform Microsoft’s Windows Genuine Advantage program into one that will allow unsatisfied Microsoft customers to recoup losses incurred as a result of software flaws and failures.
For years, Microsoft’s Windows operating system, Internet Explorer website browser and Office productivity programs have been sources of frustration to millions of computer users. Riddled with programming flaws, security holes and stability problems, Microsoft software has caused a loss of time and productivity to almost every person that has used their products. Worldwide monetary losses associated with Microsoft software problems since the release of its Windows 95 operating system are estimated to be between $70-100 trillion.
Through the newly revamped Windows Genuine Advantage program, unsatisfied users of Microsoft products may submit monetary claims for damages directly to the office of Bill Gates. “I’m appointing former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer as my personal Secretary of Compensation. Steve’s job will be to ensure that every person that has suffered loss as a result of our software is amply compensated,” Gates said.
The claims process is designed to be relatively painless, in contrast to the hoops that one must jump through just to install, activate and “validate” current Microsoft products. Applicants may download an official compensation form at www.microsoft.com/compensation. They will need to describe what Microsoft product was being used at the time of the alleged loss, a brief but detailed description of how the software product failed, and an estimate of how much time and productivity was lost as a result of the product failure. Applicants will also provide a dollar-per-hour amount that they think would be fair compensation. The application must then be notarized and sent certified mail. All but the most ridiculous claims, such as using your computer in the shower, will be honored, Gates said.
Reaction to Gate’s announcement was swift, and mostly positive. “It’s about time,” said Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs. “We’ve been trying to be the best for years. I’m glad to see that Bill (Gates) has had a change of heart, and that Microsoft will start cleaning up its act.” “Halleluiah!” exclaimed one Seattle housewife. “I lost all of my digital family photos last week when Windows crashed, and the stress almost sent me to the hospital. Maybe I can get something back for my loss.”
Dave Moore, computer columnist for Norman, Oklahoma’s daily newspaper The Transcript was skeptical. “I don’t believe it, not a single word. Of course, it’s not every week that my article is published on April 1. Happy April Fools Day.”